I'm alive! I've begun writing again, but felt the need for a fresh start. Check out my new site at
www.avibrantpetal.blogspot.com
Hope to see you there!

It's no use. I simply can't be philosophical, ethereal and vague. I've tried; little tiny, private and hidden attempts... halting, hesitant, half ashamed - which clued me in immediately that I was trying to be everything I was not made to be. Why is it we desire to embrace and possess what we are not? It's a big question with an even bigger answer, and I've thought about it; briefly, slightly, wishing I could think deeply on it and uncover an answer which would bring me respect and recognition. But my dear little mind hops and skips from one thing to the next, looking for a drop of happiness here, a smile there, the wings of a butterfly. I love beauty in every form. The agony of it, the exhilaration of it, the madcap, hunky-dory freedom of it. I am serious often, especially at night when the darkness caresses my body, soothes the smile from my face and tucks it under the bed. I lay awake wondering... wondering why I was not chosen to understand life. But then, just as I fall, fall, fall into sleep a Thought nods it's little head and whispers "Perhaps there are many ways to understand life... So many parts of life to understand."

Here's a rather strange poem I found buried in one of my numerous notebooks yesterday:

We were rushing along in our own happy world
Alone, undisturbed, refined
The sky shone blue against the sun
The ocean blue against the sky
We didn't stop to wonder why, we only knew that we must drive
Drive, drive
We must drive and leave behind
The silent questions undefined
of Who and When? Where and Why?
Stop to take a single sigh might break the mode
Stay on the road
Look ahead, don't glance behind
Don't remember yesterday
Move ahead, move away
Driving might relieve the pain we've forgotten buried here.
There, a sign! a blaring red
No more space to rush ahead
We hit the brakes, hit them hard
The silver silence shatters now
The shards of broken peace are all
That's left; delusions, echoes, sounds, of dreams gone bad
Thought we had a life made up of more than that.
But listen now, softly now
A thing called peace - real peace - is here
Creeping softly like a mother, a
Holding, gently cradling mother
Now steps in and like a lover
Strokes the broken silver parts away from mangled, bloody heart
And breathes
Sighs
A hope begins to rise
We roll our windows down now
Taste the wind, embrace the wind as
We begin to drive.

I bought a yellow dress today. It's a sweet yellow dress, reminiscent of the Pride & Prejudice era; the high waist, delicate pattern, so exquisitely feminine. I felt like a fairy, a princess, a beautiful girl when I slipped it over my head and gazed critically in the mirror. I was transported into another era; I was a different girl with a different life and set of joys and worries.
"Yes, I will take the dress." I told the sales lady, a preppy 60-year-old wearing Juniors clothes and teen perfume.
"SUch a DEal!" She shrieked as she wrapped it up.
When I modeled the dress (that sweet yellow dress with a wash of old-fashioned roses) for my parents, mother asked "Who are you trying to impress? Because it's very impressive."
I answered "Nobody."
I'm not really trying to impress anybody... yet...

Bubbles

Two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
They flickered out saying:
"It was worth being a bubble just to have held that
rainbow thirty seconds."

~ Carl Sandburg

I close my eyes so you wont read the secrets written there.

I bought a new car! Yessiree, as of Saturday I am now the proud new owner of a '96 Ford Contour GL. It's beautiful, my baby is, pure white - you know how some white vehicles look like there was hardly enough paint to cover it? well she's got a generous coating of thick, smooth, white paint on her. Really, for a '96 this car is in very nice condition. No cd player, unfortunately, but I'm getting one installed. Oh I feel so utterly cool in my new ride. The car sales man took a liking to me, which I must confess I used to my advantage, and he brought the price down down down and gave me a great deal. Ah, life is so sweet.

It's dark at 10 o'clock at night. I'm driving thru town with my windows up. The vents are off and the only sound is the engine and my breathing. I reach down to the radio, and by some fluke hit the wrong button and an unfamiliar French station comes on. It begins to play a folk song, sweet and a little melancholy, making me think of wine and beautiful people, white linen and wilted flowers in the streets. I lower my windows to let in the soft mild air of a summer evening, and wish I could drive all the way to Europe.

My dad set up a volleyball net in our back yard, and we've been having volleyball parties on Sundays. I like playing volleyball, but heavens I am so bad at it, it's more funny than humiliating. Though it is a little of that too. Last night we just practiced setting and spiking and serving the ball. I do believe I actually improved a little! Instead of completely misjudging where the ball is going, I began to make contact with it - and started sending it way behind my head. I think if I played standing backwards I would be much more successful in getting the ball over the net and not into the rose garden.

Being with my sister is like reading my own mind all the time, only in a different body.

How is it possible for me to be so happy, and so unbelievably confused at the same time? Just when I think life is going in a good direction, I realize that it really isn't going in any particular direction at all, and the dissatisfaction of doing nothing at all even though I'm having fun doing it, overwhelms me. I suddenly feel immense pressure to hurry up and decide what to do with my life. What do I love? What is my passion - what do I feel driven to accomplish? And then frustration and embarrassment because I can't put my finger on anything.
Why must we make such important, huge decisions that will affect the rest of our lives when we are so young and have so little experience and wisdom? I get conficting advice from every direction, whether I ask for it or not.
'Just wait a while, you'll find it.'
'College isn't for everyone.'
'Go to college. Everyone should have at least a year of college even if they hate it.'
'Try everything, you'll find a fit someday.'
'Get married.'
And my favorite of all; "God told me you should do this. I don't know if I was supposed to say anything..."
But despite the muddledness of my mind, life is so sweet right now I can taste it. I feel that change is lurking in the allyway up ahead, and that's okay. The mountains outside my window change everyday, and everyday they are incredibly beautiful. I think my life is turning out to be the same.

We have to drive fast. We must find a spot fast. The sun is quickly sliding down the sky and will soon be out of sight. We're losing the precious, beautiful golden light too fast. Ah, here we are. We sit on an old picnic table, and joke about it breaking under us. We laugh, and feel cold and cozy at the same time. It's not adreneline, but akin to that.
"Smile" he instructs, but we haven't any need of that instruction. Smiling is what we do best, especially if we're wearing matching shirts.
"Lean in a little" he says. We lean, and toss our best smiles into the blinding sun. My eyes burn. Nine 'clicks' and we're done. Calling our thanks we run back into our car, out of the blustering wind. His wife runs around to our window.
"They turned out gorgeous!" she cries. "I couldn't let you drive away without telling you."
We go out to celebrate a successful photo shoot, and meet a fellow neither of us know very well. He loves that our shirts match.
"Oh yes. We just had a photo shoot. We're models for Abercrombie & Fitch now, you know."
"Good deal - free clothes, new car," he plays along.
The next day we see the pictures. They have turned out gorgeously. The color of the sun on our hair is unbelievable. We look so much alike, and yet our different personalities come through so beautifully.
Dearest Sister and Partner in Musical Crime: Here's to you, and a jolly good third year concert. Thanks for putting up with so much.

'Jude Law is so lacking in vanity that you almost forget he's shockingly handsome - until he smiles, and then it's Game Over.'
~ Vanity Fair

I work in a shop in the center of town. The sidewalk in front of the store kisses the mainstreet and on sunny days our emerald green crosswalks wink flagrantly at the tourists coming and going and oohing and aahing over every little mundane, adorable detail of the street front. They didn't grow up here. For them the town is all welcoming sweetness, here for their express pleasure to fulfill every whim of their vacationing desires.
Throughout the day groups of two or four women stroll in, either alone or with their reluctant husbands in tow. If husbands are present, the women rapturously admire the trinkets and bare unnecessities on the shelves in hopes of hinting boldly enough to open the wallet. And on occasion, heaven help the girl behind the counter, for the conversations one is forced to overhear can be scandalous!
"Don't Mess With the Cook's Buns" One old gentleman read the sign on the wall to his friend and laughed. "I should have that put on my BBQ apron at home. Jean's always grabbing me!"
His wife nodded. "I just can't get enough of him." Then, very confidentially, her husband leaned closer to his friend and said in a stage whisper "I thought it was good when we were young. But it just keeps getting better with age!"

Women often marry men they laugh at.